Wasn't planning on coming back.

You know what's kinda silly?
Been talking about moving outta state a lot lately with the boyfriend.
About where to go to grad school ect.
Today.. or rather yesterday I found out one of my best friends will be moving out of state at the end of this year.
It was the saddest thing I think I've felt in a long time.
Things haven't been so great with the other best friend, and thats made me really sad,
but knowing my best friend is leaving. To another state?
Where would I be in this world without my best friends?
Who would I be?
I never thought much about what moving away would deprive me of.
It would deprive me of the two best friends I've ever had.
And all my other friends who I've come to love as well.

Is that the risk you take for happiness?
When It comes turn to be my chance to move... I don't know how I'm ever going to do it.
But I wish her well.
I wish her the best.
And I hope she knows she'll always be in my heart.

feeling better

Sometimes I have to just let it go and come to terms with the fact that I can not fix everything!
I give all the love I have, yet it's not enough.
Apparently I am incapable of tough love, yet again-what I have to give, is not enough.



So for now I'm moving on to me. School is going to be more then I can handle for awhile.

So many interesting things to decipher though with regards to what it is I need to know for tests, what I'll need to remember for essays, what might be useful for my capstone... (which btw I have ABSOLUTELY no clue as to where to start looking for a topic. YAY.. O_o) or what will be most useful for my career (which also, coincidently I also have ABSOLUTELY no clue as to what I want to do).

Between that and managing a part time job, (of which I got cut a day, and still make minimum wage 1/2 of the time.... >.<) learning spanish, my social life with my friends, and my love life with my boyfriend, I just don't know if I'll have time to continue to be the only one in this relationship who puts an effort into it. Maybe thats just selfish, but when you give everything you humanly can to a person, and they are still 98% miserable, what the fuck else is there to do? Now mind me I'm sure I'm being bitter and maybe this is the tough love. But it's like that saying, "if you love someone set them free" If they come back.. well grand. If not then I will either be really REALLY royally pissed off, or I will just say I did all I can. I mean it takes two to tango correct?

I'm looking forward to a lot of things in life though. Looking forward to learning more about people, and all the different aspects of how our decisions are factors of the world around us. Everything that happens can be said to be a reason of something else. In other words I just got myself a few new excuses as to why I do the things I do and why I should be able to do the things I want.

To illustrate; the new argument as to why the boif should be able to spend the night:
"Now Mom, the only reason I ask is because in our society, and in our culture it is now acceptable to live at home past 18 (as much as it may drive us both crazy). I am simply trying to make the best of what I have. Positive thinking riiiight? Our culture has changed from the culture you grew up in, I don't see why it would be such a problem if my boyfriend spent the night. It's not as taboo as it was then. On top of that technology has changed and the birth control we have in this modern area further prevents one of the reasons having a boyfriend spend the night was so "taboo." Plus the gender roles of our country are changing. The way men are is different then the way they used to be, they have become more sensitized with regards to caring about the opinions of others (which I think is a result of women always wanting a strong yet empathetic man who could write her poetry aawwwwweee; now mind you this desensitization of men has it's pros and cons but moving on).  I mean can you imagine my boyfriend doing anything that would make you mad at him? On top of that  I just can't give into capitalism and go out and spend my hard earned minimum wage money on a hotel. DON'T let me give into the cycle of capitalism. So can he mom can he?"

LMAO.

Oh how I amuse myself.

You have to laugh to keep from crying right?

I'm also looking forward to the continuous journey of happiness. Since Happiness is not a destination, it is a journey. Who knows maybe I'll become a famous social thinker that illustrates how the world should be more positive. Maybe I can prove that dancing is the answer to depression. Who knows what the future holds or what's in store for me. But I do know that I'm going to enjoy the ride as much as I can while I can.

lol?

i've lost her.
and there is no sign she's coming back.
it's so sad it's almost hysterical.
well, what now?

going to that place of mine

I'm leaving to Monterey Early today.
Going to go read at the beach and let everything go.
I'm going to enjoy the Monterey weather and forget all my doubts, sadness, anger, and confusion.
I shall let those feelings seep out of my heart and sink into the ocean cold waves where they will be carried to a dark deep current. Hopefully in that darkness they will find their peace and leave me alone.
There is just too much to do and so little time to let it all weigh me down for weeks upon end.
Been holding this bitter inside for a few weeks now and it's eating away at my insides.
I'm going to get my smile back, it's just hidden, thats all.

going to go somewhere

decided to start planning a vacation with my boyfriend. not sure where it is we are going but we are both pretty sure we want to go to seattle. :) We'll he wants to go to NYC but honestly, the place seems over rated and over populate to me. i want to go somewhere different, somewhere closer and (relativity) cheaper. so naturally i picked out the most rainy place i could think of that most people i know seem to say ew too. you know more people have told me about how many suicides seattle has, and not a single person has said to me "OH MY GOD! SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE! HOW ROMANTIC!" lol (meg ryan freak right here <--)

but i laugh at myself mostly because i said "eewwww big city, passs!" to NYC, but look at this guy!



lets start somewhere smaller shall we? can't wait to see where we decided and what it will be like to discover someplace new with my boyfriend.

i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad....

I find it kind of sad and ironic that neither of my two best friends or family really said congrats to me yesterday.
Guess this is what I get for telling everyone everything that happens all the time?



I don't know what the future holds, where I'm going, how I'll get there, or much else for that matter. But what I do know is that regardless of how negative I can be at times, at least I always try to offer kind words to those around me. At least in my mind I don't judge them for things they do.

It sucks that for whatever reasons they don't really support my relationship with my boyfriend. And again I'm sure thats my fault, or partly my fault anyways... butt I mean FUCK! No one is perfect, NO ONE. Life is hard enough trying to make everything work, fit everything together, make others happy, and make yourself happy, no relationship is perfect and yet I just wish that the people in my life would be more understanding of each other and less judgmental.

Anyways I could be off base with some of these feelings. But I'm pretty sure I'm not at least with a few of you.

I gotta get back to my reading of Social Theories.
I'll leave a happier story later, promise.

-i'm sleepy

i want to write to you, but instead i think i shall drift off into sleep.
hopefully there i will dream of magical things that enchant and bewilder -i'm uninspired.
hopefully there i will escape the ever pressing questions that are slowly driving me dizzily crazily madly insane -i'm stuck.
hopefully there things will all fit together like pieces of an intricate intimate puzzle, who's image is finally becoming clear (what do you see?) -i'm blind.
maybe at last sleep will give my brain a brief moment of fresh air -i feel like i'm suffocating. i can't breathe.
hopefully sleep, you'll embrace me in your tranquil arms and allow me to feed off of your vast openness in which all the answers to life can be found! -i'm trapped.
so what do you say sleep? take me -i'm yours.

just thinking about it all

Sometimes it seems like the world is spinning faster and faster, whirling around, upside down, and back & fourth. Reflecting on it all, I imagine a dizzying bokeh photograph. But maybe the world isn't spinning faster and faster, maybe my mind is slowly flickering out. Looking back on memories, most of the time I only recall the way I felt, and the memories seem to fade away, slipping through my fingers. Maybe I need a Pensive in my room, just like Dumbledore has in his office. I could pull out my memories and place them in antique little jars.

If only right?

On another similar note, today I had an epiphany when I was driving. I'm not foolish enough to think I'm the first one to come to this conclusion, so If I'm saying something thats been said before, forgive me. I think one of the greatest things about humanity and the human race is also one of our greatest flaws. As humans we have an enormous capacity to forgive people and to still love those who have hurt us. It seems to me, that we are constantly giving people the benefit of the doubt, believing they have changed their ways and some how managed to become a better person. Now don't get me wrong, yes people change, but it's very rare when they do- Miraculous, but rare. And we know it too! We know that people don't change, we know how hard it is to change! Yet we continue to forgive others and to believe that things will be better. We let others back into to our hearts hoping for the best only to be let down once again. Nothings changed. I think we knew all along that things wouldn't change.

I want to know why it is we go back to those broken relationships; with mothers who always blame everything on you, even if you don't live with them anymore; with boyfriends and girlfriends who treat us like crap; with family who can't accept you for who you are; with any dysfunctional relationship really.

At the end of the day I think it's simply that we love what we have no matter how fucked up it is. We want things to get better, we HAVE to believe that things will get better. Things will get better. They have to get better. After all there is no where to go but up, no?




Right?




I hope so.

what now?

so sick of everyone judging everything i do.

i never realized that your friends and family were your own worst critics.

what happened to just believing, loving and supporting?

maybe it's just that i'm on the 4th cup of wine.

sick of people no knowing who the fuck i am.

i've been me for my whole life.

yet it's always such a problem for others

what's wrong with me?

feeling like:

i fail at everything/everyone

like everything i touch turns to flame.

i want to cry.

what's my problem?

is that wrong?

I donno what it is but more often then not I feel like I don't belong in the world I'm in.

I'm the loud outspoken one who asks too many questions.

I want to be a person who says what's on her heart and mind, that way people will always know upfront where they stand with me, no guessing, no nothing. It's just me take it or leave it.

I don't think thats so bad. I don't think thats a bad deal at all.

Yet why is it that people wont do that with me?

Secrets and keeping things quiet. Leaving bits a pieces out.

Not sharing all of yourself... not even to those who love you, no matter what?

I guess their is intrigue in the mysterious but in the end don't you just want someone to accept you for all of you?

& Hiding from yourself and who you are seems like such a hard way to live life.

& sure it's hard to talk about the hard emotional things, but why keep it bottled inside.

I like to imagine that every time you tell someone something that has hurt you, that each time it's said it hurts less and less.

I don't think it's bad to be the way you are, I just wish that I was being let in more.

My friends and family would be the first to know anything that was going on with me.

getting kitty high.

I think it’s funny when cats are high on catnip.

It’s pretty hilarious.

I’m off to work in a few moments.

I’ve been feeling very off my game lately.

Wondering where I’m going and what I’m doing.

Thinking about who’s going to be there still, years down the road.

I’m nervous about my new school, and slightly annoyed at the schedule I have for classes.

I have been dreaming about getting my hair done, and my nails done.

And speaking of dreams, last night I had a dream I was in an aquarium getting the employee tour, and sharks were jumping up trying to attack me. Later on in my dream there was a group camping who wanted my help to dig through a chunk of ice to try to hunt down a seal. The seal had taken one of their friends and they were trying to find him. I asked them how in the world they’d know if it was the right seal, and they said they’d know when they say it. I asked them if they’d believed their friend was still alive, and the girl said to me, he is alive. He has to be alive. We have to hope with everything we have that he is.

Sorry for the randomness.

Maybe I’ll have more to say later, when I have woken up and faced the world.

Till them… I wish you all the best of days.

guess thats silly?

i have surrounded myself by people who love me.

and it's flattering and amazing and it makes me smile.

but i think it just hurts them most of the time.

:(

sad day.

again

Gotta be more positive.

Everything happens for a reason.

It all works out in the end.

Breathe in Breathe out.

Jump in it with your best foot forward.

Push through it all.

Don't worry about a thing.

Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react.

Be yourself.

Dance like no one is watching.

Live like there is no tomorrow.

Believe.

Trust.

Live.

Laugh.

Love.

thought so.

because

Relationships are never easy. Not with friends, family, or significant others.

Every relationship has it's ups and downs right? And it's normal to worry about them yes?

I'm worried about on of my relationships, and it's been stressing me out.

Last night when I was hanging out with my boyfriend and we were snuggling, two embarrassing things happened to me. I don't know why it happened then, but for the first time in a long time I started to cry. Poor boyfriend didn't know what was happening or where it came from. Part of it had to do with my own damn clumsiness, I wish that I was less clumsy and more sexy. (too much to ask for huh? lol) And another had to do with the sadness I feel from the silence that seems to be making frequent stays with my relationship with one of my best friends.

He kept asking me what was wrong while wiping away my tears and kissing them, and the words were there in my mind. UGH I'm just clumsy and the opposite of sexy and when you leave she wont talk to me.

So Instead of playing that same record that he's heard a million times by now, I just said I was embarrassed for elbowing him in the face and how clumsy I am. And I closed my eyes as he held me and ran his fingers through my hair and I tired not to think of the silence I'd be getting later on.

I just don't know what to do any more. Okay thats a lie. I know what to do and I know what will make it better, but it's nothing that I can do, it's something she has to do and something she wont do. So in the mean I guess I'm going to hope that this friendship wont fall apart.

S.S.S

I have to say that it really sucks knowing that people don’t like you. I mean it’s not like it really effects me that these people dislike me, but It would really be nice if they did.

I get that not everyone is going to like everyone but it would have been nice if things had turned out differently, you know what I mean?

He’s sitting right next to me, and I’m going to assume he saw me at one point or another? Maybe I’m wrong though. Maybe I’m just being insecure? Maybe it’s that I remember how I felt back them? Ugly, fat, stupid, not good enough, and just boring.

I don’t think I’m a bad person… yet there are people in this world who don’t like me for one reason or another. Where was my chance?

On another note… I can’t stop thinking about New Mexico. Starting over. Some place new. And Snow.

Pride is tomorrow. :)

If I take anything away form tomorrow I hope that it will be to be okay with who I am.

Everyone should be happy with who they are, no matter what their flaws are. :]

Well all make mistakes and no one is perfect but at least most of us do what we can

with what we have.

Hope you embrace yourself!

It's my wish for you.

I wished upon a rainbow. :p

you "LAUGH"

well what now?

What went wrong?

I'm going to end up with out something I love soon.

& there isn't anything else for me to do.

It takes two to tango.

Two to make anything work.

And I've have literally tried to do EVERYTHING.

Clearly not good enough.

So the question is.

What are you doing about it?

hmm?

What am I doing and where am I going.

Who's coming with me and who's staying behind?

Will everything work out in the end?

I think Confucius said something about how life is suffering.

So is the goal of our lives to just make it through the suffering??

I want to go above and beyond that please.

I'd like to be happy.

meeeerrrrr

i feel a heart break coming on.

and i don't want to talk about it...

mostly on the account i'm not allowed to.

there is so much i'd love to blog about

but i can't and that makes me not want to blog.

why shouldn't i be able to talk about whatever i want

when ever with whom ever where ever i want?!

UGH.

i wish sometimes i could give people a dose of their own

medicine. see how they like it. meh.

funk

It appears that I am in a funk. How I hate thee.
Just want to be lazy and forget everything.
is that too much to ask for?

I want to sit around and to try different types of wine,
eat crackers, cheese, and fruit.

And to watch TrueBlood season 3 already,

Or at least have a new book to read!

And Eclipse... Seriously cannot wait. Call me special but I've been reading these books since I was a sophomore in high school way before all these little beeotches came along and started the stupid twilight craze.

You think it's too much to ask?



On another note...
I hate knowing that I did it.
It hurts me and I feel like a fool.
I'm sorry and I wish I could take it back.
& I wish that this heat would go away.

& also... I miss the rain and cold.

You were an inch from the edge of this bed

Hello world and all who read this. I’m at barns and noble right now, one of my favorite places, with a soy chai tea, one of my favorite drinks. Sleepy Head by Passion Pit is playing. I do love this song.

I think lately I’ve been confused. REALLY confused. Questioning myself at every corner, second-guessing myself constantly. Wondering if I like where I am at right now? I guess everyone goes through a phase of downtime, and it’s my turn. I just need to pay more attention to me and to my feelings before I go around trying to fix everyone else and make them happy; because I think at the end of the day people can ALWAYS find something to be sad about. So even if am able to make someone’s life better, it’s out of my hands if they chose to be happy about it at the end of the day.

Lately my favorite person in the world has been my best friend Parker. I don’t know what it is but he is just ALWAYS happy. His lows are either from exhaustion or hunger. I want to be more like that. I want to not let things get to me and I want to be happy with what is happening and happy with where I am going. If only right? I’m not saying I don’t love being around everyone else, it’s just hmm nice to have that ray of sunshine around me. (: He’s my Jacob

Maybe it’s just so much fun to be around him because he is SO easy to tease. I forgot how much fun it is to play and joke around for hours. Have I become too serious? I don’t want to be serious! I want to always be a kid at heart; I mean I know lots of adults have told me I’m very mature for my age, but it’s not that, I mean shit… fart jokes crack me up, I think it’s just I’m mature in the sense I have an insane amount of empathy for people.

And maybe it’s that empathy for the world and all it’s sorrow that gets me down. Everyone has a sad story it seems. Everyone has sorrow in their hearts, and I can’t fix it! How positively frustrating! LOL

There is nothing left to do but to go forward from here and hope that in the end the road I’m traveling on takes me to a greater place.

what do you think?

i think i like to play with fire.

and it's bad as a pisces.

i need to get back to the water.

wish me luck :]

So again… procrastination! I LOVE THIS TRAIT! It only happens with school stuff. Big assignments. I feel that maybe it’s that I know I work best under the pressure. Its when I have the most concentration the most rapid thoughts and ideas spouting out of my brain. I will be busy this next week might not be able to post much and express my POSITIVE thoughts. Lol

Got Three essays to do and a PowerPoint presentation as well. Time to get my ass on a roll! :]

YAY!

inspire someone else? :[

So, I suppose I should be feeling bad, I said something that hurt one of my best friends feelings today. It wasn’t supposed to hurt her feelings. I guess I should listen to everyone else and just quit trying but I wouldn’t want my friends to give up on me, so why would I give up on them?

Anyways I honestly don’t remember what it was I said to make her so angry with me but I mentioned something about her father. Not that she ever talks about much of things from her past unless I pry, from what I know he passed away when she was younger, and the stories I heard about him from her and her family all pointed out that he was a strong friendly amazing person who put up with a lot and made the most out of what he could. I admire that and I am truly sorry that she is missing out on a positive and loving father to be her role model and friend.

I get so depressed seeing her constantly down and sad about life, seriously it makes me want to just throw my arms up and not care about anything. It’s hard to see your best friend feeling like she’s worthless and everything else all the time. Of course it’s not just her, its pretty much everyone I know in this world. Our society doesn’t make the average person feel like they are worth anything. It’s sad.

Anyways I was laying in bed thinking about what her father would say to her, I imagine he’s watching down on her and I wondered what he would have to say to try to make her feel better, to try to inspire here when EVERYTHING I’ve tried has failed miserably. So I asked her what do you think your dad would say? She closed the door on me and then eventually came out and said to me twice that what I had said was a low blow. She then preceded to walk out the house then back again for her purse and work clothes to walk to work in the rain.

I honestly don’t know what to do. How in the world does one inspire someone to love and appreciate themselves and the life around them? How do you get someone to start believing in themselves and thinking positively? Is the answer what everyone tells me to do? Just stop it and let it go? Do I just give up? I mean it’s common knowledge that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. It never works.

So what do I do now?

Happy Mothers Day

I wrote this really long weird story about how being a mother is like a never ending craft project, but then I was just rambling on about how I think it might be for mothers when really I don't know so I decided that I'd get back to you on that one once I have a kid.

Which wont be any time soon.

To get back to the point. Happy Mothers Day to all you mothers out there. I hope that your kids have made you proud :]

I am supposed to be doing homework, but blogging happened, so I'll do it tomorrow. :)

Hope everyone has had a good day.. well night now and that dreams are sweet and filled with peace and love.

"peace power *sniff sniff*

I need to take a shower" -daisy

p.s

i hope your kids aint like prison mike.

c(:

instead of

Instead of doing homework I'm watching spongebob, having breakfast, and waiting for my clothes to dry so that I can go on a walk. I love walks by myself on beautiful days like this. Just the wind the sun and me and my pod. :)

I have a lot to do in the next few months so I'm pretty excited. There are three weeks left of the semester. Gotta step it up a bit. I hope to find a new job with more hours and better pay because in the fall I am transferring to CSUMB. I need to step up my game on being more outgoing and energetic. I have a book waiting for my as soon as school is over; Charlaine Harris' new one, Dead in the Family. TrueBlood starts soon! 2 year anniversary in September! Play dates with all my favorite peoples. If I get to my weight goal by the end of this month (-6 pounds) I am going to get my nails done.

I just need to step it up and stop with the excuses. I hope that you all have good things to look forward to, and remember that the glass is half full and that the future is not scary, just another journey.

believe

I could be watching Iron Man 2 right now with the boyfriend. But my tummy is too upset to possibly enjoy the movie. So instead we are sitting at home, he’s playing the DS and I’m writing to say hi.

Writing to just remind myself about how I need to be more on track and that I need to work harder at my goals. (:

I found out today Marilyn Monroe was a size 14. SIZE 14! It’s my personal goal to get down to a size 14/16. I want to be back to my curvy self and able to wear clothes from Urban Outfitters and such. I LOVE that store.

I know I just have to keep my head high and push forward through it. I have to learn to believe in myself (more so then I do, because I do… way more then most people believe in themselves ).

believe believe believe believe believe believe believe believe believe believe believe!

well, hello

i'm feeling exceptionally positive today. :)

lets conquer this day and

make the most out of

everything.