Wasn't planning on coming back.

You know what's kinda silly?
Been talking about moving outta state a lot lately with the boyfriend.
About where to go to grad school ect.
Today.. or rather yesterday I found out one of my best friends will be moving out of state at the end of this year.
It was the saddest thing I think I've felt in a long time.
Things haven't been so great with the other best friend, and thats made me really sad,
but knowing my best friend is leaving. To another state?
Where would I be in this world without my best friends?
Who would I be?
I never thought much about what moving away would deprive me of.
It would deprive me of the two best friends I've ever had.
And all my other friends who I've come to love as well.

Is that the risk you take for happiness?
When It comes turn to be my chance to move... I don't know how I'm ever going to do it.
But I wish her well.
I wish her the best.
And I hope she knows she'll always be in my heart.

feeling better

Sometimes I have to just let it go and come to terms with the fact that I can not fix everything!
I give all the love I have, yet it's not enough.
Apparently I am incapable of tough love, yet again-what I have to give, is not enough.



So for now I'm moving on to me. School is going to be more then I can handle for awhile.

So many interesting things to decipher though with regards to what it is I need to know for tests, what I'll need to remember for essays, what might be useful for my capstone... (which btw I have ABSOLUTELY no clue as to where to start looking for a topic. YAY.. O_o) or what will be most useful for my career (which also, coincidently I also have ABSOLUTELY no clue as to what I want to do).

Between that and managing a part time job, (of which I got cut a day, and still make minimum wage 1/2 of the time.... >.<) learning spanish, my social life with my friends, and my love life with my boyfriend, I just don't know if I'll have time to continue to be the only one in this relationship who puts an effort into it. Maybe thats just selfish, but when you give everything you humanly can to a person, and they are still 98% miserable, what the fuck else is there to do? Now mind me I'm sure I'm being bitter and maybe this is the tough love. But it's like that saying, "if you love someone set them free" If they come back.. well grand. If not then I will either be really REALLY royally pissed off, or I will just say I did all I can. I mean it takes two to tango correct?

I'm looking forward to a lot of things in life though. Looking forward to learning more about people, and all the different aspects of how our decisions are factors of the world around us. Everything that happens can be said to be a reason of something else. In other words I just got myself a few new excuses as to why I do the things I do and why I should be able to do the things I want.

To illustrate; the new argument as to why the boif should be able to spend the night:
"Now Mom, the only reason I ask is because in our society, and in our culture it is now acceptable to live at home past 18 (as much as it may drive us both crazy). I am simply trying to make the best of what I have. Positive thinking riiiight? Our culture has changed from the culture you grew up in, I don't see why it would be such a problem if my boyfriend spent the night. It's not as taboo as it was then. On top of that technology has changed and the birth control we have in this modern area further prevents one of the reasons having a boyfriend spend the night was so "taboo." Plus the gender roles of our country are changing. The way men are is different then the way they used to be, they have become more sensitized with regards to caring about the opinions of others (which I think is a result of women always wanting a strong yet empathetic man who could write her poetry aawwwwweee; now mind you this desensitization of men has it's pros and cons but moving on).  I mean can you imagine my boyfriend doing anything that would make you mad at him? On top of that  I just can't give into capitalism and go out and spend my hard earned minimum wage money on a hotel. DON'T let me give into the cycle of capitalism. So can he mom can he?"

LMAO.

Oh how I amuse myself.

You have to laugh to keep from crying right?

I'm also looking forward to the continuous journey of happiness. Since Happiness is not a destination, it is a journey. Who knows maybe I'll become a famous social thinker that illustrates how the world should be more positive. Maybe I can prove that dancing is the answer to depression. Who knows what the future holds or what's in store for me. But I do know that I'm going to enjoy the ride as much as I can while I can.

lol?

i've lost her.
and there is no sign she's coming back.
it's so sad it's almost hysterical.
well, what now?

going to that place of mine

I'm leaving to Monterey Early today.
Going to go read at the beach and let everything go.
I'm going to enjoy the Monterey weather and forget all my doubts, sadness, anger, and confusion.
I shall let those feelings seep out of my heart and sink into the ocean cold waves where they will be carried to a dark deep current. Hopefully in that darkness they will find their peace and leave me alone.
There is just too much to do and so little time to let it all weigh me down for weeks upon end.
Been holding this bitter inside for a few weeks now and it's eating away at my insides.
I'm going to get my smile back, it's just hidden, thats all.

going to go somewhere

decided to start planning a vacation with my boyfriend. not sure where it is we are going but we are both pretty sure we want to go to seattle. :) We'll he wants to go to NYC but honestly, the place seems over rated and over populate to me. i want to go somewhere different, somewhere closer and (relativity) cheaper. so naturally i picked out the most rainy place i could think of that most people i know seem to say ew too. you know more people have told me about how many suicides seattle has, and not a single person has said to me "OH MY GOD! SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE! HOW ROMANTIC!" lol (meg ryan freak right here <--)

but i laugh at myself mostly because i said "eewwww big city, passs!" to NYC, but look at this guy!



lets start somewhere smaller shall we? can't wait to see where we decided and what it will be like to discover someplace new with my boyfriend.

i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad....

I find it kind of sad and ironic that neither of my two best friends or family really said congrats to me yesterday.
Guess this is what I get for telling everyone everything that happens all the time?



I don't know what the future holds, where I'm going, how I'll get there, or much else for that matter. But what I do know is that regardless of how negative I can be at times, at least I always try to offer kind words to those around me. At least in my mind I don't judge them for things they do.

It sucks that for whatever reasons they don't really support my relationship with my boyfriend. And again I'm sure thats my fault, or partly my fault anyways... butt I mean FUCK! No one is perfect, NO ONE. Life is hard enough trying to make everything work, fit everything together, make others happy, and make yourself happy, no relationship is perfect and yet I just wish that the people in my life would be more understanding of each other and less judgmental.

Anyways I could be off base with some of these feelings. But I'm pretty sure I'm not at least with a few of you.

I gotta get back to my reading of Social Theories.
I'll leave a happier story later, promise.

-i'm sleepy

i want to write to you, but instead i think i shall drift off into sleep.
hopefully there i will dream of magical things that enchant and bewilder -i'm uninspired.
hopefully there i will escape the ever pressing questions that are slowly driving me dizzily crazily madly insane -i'm stuck.
hopefully there things will all fit together like pieces of an intricate intimate puzzle, who's image is finally becoming clear (what do you see?) -i'm blind.
maybe at last sleep will give my brain a brief moment of fresh air -i feel like i'm suffocating. i can't breathe.
hopefully sleep, you'll embrace me in your tranquil arms and allow me to feed off of your vast openness in which all the answers to life can be found! -i'm trapped.
so what do you say sleep? take me -i'm yours.

just thinking about it all

Sometimes it seems like the world is spinning faster and faster, whirling around, upside down, and back & fourth. Reflecting on it all, I imagine a dizzying bokeh photograph. But maybe the world isn't spinning faster and faster, maybe my mind is slowly flickering out. Looking back on memories, most of the time I only recall the way I felt, and the memories seem to fade away, slipping through my fingers. Maybe I need a Pensive in my room, just like Dumbledore has in his office. I could pull out my memories and place them in antique little jars.

If only right?

On another similar note, today I had an epiphany when I was driving. I'm not foolish enough to think I'm the first one to come to this conclusion, so If I'm saying something thats been said before, forgive me. I think one of the greatest things about humanity and the human race is also one of our greatest flaws. As humans we have an enormous capacity to forgive people and to still love those who have hurt us. It seems to me, that we are constantly giving people the benefit of the doubt, believing they have changed their ways and some how managed to become a better person. Now don't get me wrong, yes people change, but it's very rare when they do- Miraculous, but rare. And we know it too! We know that people don't change, we know how hard it is to change! Yet we continue to forgive others and to believe that things will be better. We let others back into to our hearts hoping for the best only to be let down once again. Nothings changed. I think we knew all along that things wouldn't change.

I want to know why it is we go back to those broken relationships; with mothers who always blame everything on you, even if you don't live with them anymore; with boyfriends and girlfriends who treat us like crap; with family who can't accept you for who you are; with any dysfunctional relationship really.

At the end of the day I think it's simply that we love what we have no matter how fucked up it is. We want things to get better, we HAVE to believe that things will get better. Things will get better. They have to get better. After all there is no where to go but up, no?




Right?




I hope so.

what now?

so sick of everyone judging everything i do.

i never realized that your friends and family were your own worst critics.

what happened to just believing, loving and supporting?

maybe it's just that i'm on the 4th cup of wine.

sick of people no knowing who the fuck i am.

i've been me for my whole life.

yet it's always such a problem for others

what's wrong with me?

feeling like:

i fail at everything/everyone

like everything i touch turns to flame.

i want to cry.

what's my problem?