-i'm sleepy

i want to write to you, but instead i think i shall drift off into sleep.
hopefully there i will dream of magical things that enchant and bewilder -i'm uninspired.
hopefully there i will escape the ever pressing questions that are slowly driving me dizzily crazily madly insane -i'm stuck.
hopefully there things will all fit together like pieces of an intricate intimate puzzle, who's image is finally becoming clear (what do you see?) -i'm blind.
maybe at last sleep will give my brain a brief moment of fresh air -i feel like i'm suffocating. i can't breathe.
hopefully sleep, you'll embrace me in your tranquil arms and allow me to feed off of your vast openness in which all the answers to life can be found! -i'm trapped.
so what do you say sleep? take me -i'm yours.

just thinking about it all

Sometimes it seems like the world is spinning faster and faster, whirling around, upside down, and back & fourth. Reflecting on it all, I imagine a dizzying bokeh photograph. But maybe the world isn't spinning faster and faster, maybe my mind is slowly flickering out. Looking back on memories, most of the time I only recall the way I felt, and the memories seem to fade away, slipping through my fingers. Maybe I need a Pensive in my room, just like Dumbledore has in his office. I could pull out my memories and place them in antique little jars.

If only right?

On another similar note, today I had an epiphany when I was driving. I'm not foolish enough to think I'm the first one to come to this conclusion, so If I'm saying something thats been said before, forgive me. I think one of the greatest things about humanity and the human race is also one of our greatest flaws. As humans we have an enormous capacity to forgive people and to still love those who have hurt us. It seems to me, that we are constantly giving people the benefit of the doubt, believing they have changed their ways and some how managed to become a better person. Now don't get me wrong, yes people change, but it's very rare when they do- Miraculous, but rare. And we know it too! We know that people don't change, we know how hard it is to change! Yet we continue to forgive others and to believe that things will be better. We let others back into to our hearts hoping for the best only to be let down once again. Nothings changed. I think we knew all along that things wouldn't change.

I want to know why it is we go back to those broken relationships; with mothers who always blame everything on you, even if you don't live with them anymore; with boyfriends and girlfriends who treat us like crap; with family who can't accept you for who you are; with any dysfunctional relationship really.

At the end of the day I think it's simply that we love what we have no matter how fucked up it is. We want things to get better, we HAVE to believe that things will get better. Things will get better. They have to get better. After all there is no where to go but up, no?




Right?




I hope so.

what now?

so sick of everyone judging everything i do.

i never realized that your friends and family were your own worst critics.

what happened to just believing, loving and supporting?

maybe it's just that i'm on the 4th cup of wine.

sick of people no knowing who the fuck i am.

i've been me for my whole life.

yet it's always such a problem for others

what's wrong with me?

feeling like:

i fail at everything/everyone

like everything i touch turns to flame.

i want to cry.

what's my problem?

is that wrong?

I donno what it is but more often then not I feel like I don't belong in the world I'm in.

I'm the loud outspoken one who asks too many questions.

I want to be a person who says what's on her heart and mind, that way people will always know upfront where they stand with me, no guessing, no nothing. It's just me take it or leave it.

I don't think thats so bad. I don't think thats a bad deal at all.

Yet why is it that people wont do that with me?

Secrets and keeping things quiet. Leaving bits a pieces out.

Not sharing all of yourself... not even to those who love you, no matter what?

I guess their is intrigue in the mysterious but in the end don't you just want someone to accept you for all of you?

& Hiding from yourself and who you are seems like such a hard way to live life.

& sure it's hard to talk about the hard emotional things, but why keep it bottled inside.

I like to imagine that every time you tell someone something that has hurt you, that each time it's said it hurts less and less.

I don't think it's bad to be the way you are, I just wish that I was being let in more.

My friends and family would be the first to know anything that was going on with me.

getting kitty high.

I think it’s funny when cats are high on catnip.

It’s pretty hilarious.

I’m off to work in a few moments.

I’ve been feeling very off my game lately.

Wondering where I’m going and what I’m doing.

Thinking about who’s going to be there still, years down the road.

I’m nervous about my new school, and slightly annoyed at the schedule I have for classes.

I have been dreaming about getting my hair done, and my nails done.

And speaking of dreams, last night I had a dream I was in an aquarium getting the employee tour, and sharks were jumping up trying to attack me. Later on in my dream there was a group camping who wanted my help to dig through a chunk of ice to try to hunt down a seal. The seal had taken one of their friends and they were trying to find him. I asked them how in the world they’d know if it was the right seal, and they said they’d know when they say it. I asked them if they’d believed their friend was still alive, and the girl said to me, he is alive. He has to be alive. We have to hope with everything we have that he is.

Sorry for the randomness.

Maybe I’ll have more to say later, when I have woken up and faced the world.

Till them… I wish you all the best of days.

guess thats silly?

i have surrounded myself by people who love me.

and it's flattering and amazing and it makes me smile.

but i think it just hurts them most of the time.

:(

sad day.

again

Gotta be more positive.

Everything happens for a reason.

It all works out in the end.

Breathe in Breathe out.

Jump in it with your best foot forward.

Push through it all.

Don't worry about a thing.

Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react.

Be yourself.

Dance like no one is watching.

Live like there is no tomorrow.

Believe.

Trust.

Live.

Laugh.

Love.

thought so.

because

Relationships are never easy. Not with friends, family, or significant others.

Every relationship has it's ups and downs right? And it's normal to worry about them yes?

I'm worried about on of my relationships, and it's been stressing me out.

Last night when I was hanging out with my boyfriend and we were snuggling, two embarrassing things happened to me. I don't know why it happened then, but for the first time in a long time I started to cry. Poor boyfriend didn't know what was happening or where it came from. Part of it had to do with my own damn clumsiness, I wish that I was less clumsy and more sexy. (too much to ask for huh? lol) And another had to do with the sadness I feel from the silence that seems to be making frequent stays with my relationship with one of my best friends.

He kept asking me what was wrong while wiping away my tears and kissing them, and the words were there in my mind. UGH I'm just clumsy and the opposite of sexy and when you leave she wont talk to me.

So Instead of playing that same record that he's heard a million times by now, I just said I was embarrassed for elbowing him in the face and how clumsy I am. And I closed my eyes as he held me and ran his fingers through my hair and I tired not to think of the silence I'd be getting later on.

I just don't know what to do any more. Okay thats a lie. I know what to do and I know what will make it better, but it's nothing that I can do, it's something she has to do and something she wont do. So in the mean I guess I'm going to hope that this friendship wont fall apart.