feeling better

Sometimes I have to just let it go and come to terms with the fact that I can not fix everything!
I give all the love I have, yet it's not enough.
Apparently I am incapable of tough love, yet again-what I have to give, is not enough.



So for now I'm moving on to me. School is going to be more then I can handle for awhile.

So many interesting things to decipher though with regards to what it is I need to know for tests, what I'll need to remember for essays, what might be useful for my capstone... (which btw I have ABSOLUTELY no clue as to where to start looking for a topic. YAY.. O_o) or what will be most useful for my career (which also, coincidently I also have ABSOLUTELY no clue as to what I want to do).

Between that and managing a part time job, (of which I got cut a day, and still make minimum wage 1/2 of the time.... >.<) learning spanish, my social life with my friends, and my love life with my boyfriend, I just don't know if I'll have time to continue to be the only one in this relationship who puts an effort into it. Maybe thats just selfish, but when you give everything you humanly can to a person, and they are still 98% miserable, what the fuck else is there to do? Now mind me I'm sure I'm being bitter and maybe this is the tough love. But it's like that saying, "if you love someone set them free" If they come back.. well grand. If not then I will either be really REALLY royally pissed off, or I will just say I did all I can. I mean it takes two to tango correct?

I'm looking forward to a lot of things in life though. Looking forward to learning more about people, and all the different aspects of how our decisions are factors of the world around us. Everything that happens can be said to be a reason of something else. In other words I just got myself a few new excuses as to why I do the things I do and why I should be able to do the things I want.

To illustrate; the new argument as to why the boif should be able to spend the night:
"Now Mom, the only reason I ask is because in our society, and in our culture it is now acceptable to live at home past 18 (as much as it may drive us both crazy). I am simply trying to make the best of what I have. Positive thinking riiiight? Our culture has changed from the culture you grew up in, I don't see why it would be such a problem if my boyfriend spent the night. It's not as taboo as it was then. On top of that technology has changed and the birth control we have in this modern area further prevents one of the reasons having a boyfriend spend the night was so "taboo." Plus the gender roles of our country are changing. The way men are is different then the way they used to be, they have become more sensitized with regards to caring about the opinions of others (which I think is a result of women always wanting a strong yet empathetic man who could write her poetry aawwwwweee; now mind you this desensitization of men has it's pros and cons but moving on).  I mean can you imagine my boyfriend doing anything that would make you mad at him? On top of that  I just can't give into capitalism and go out and spend my hard earned minimum wage money on a hotel. DON'T let me give into the cycle of capitalism. So can he mom can he?"

LMAO.

Oh how I amuse myself.

You have to laugh to keep from crying right?

I'm also looking forward to the continuous journey of happiness. Since Happiness is not a destination, it is a journey. Who knows maybe I'll become a famous social thinker that illustrates how the world should be more positive. Maybe I can prove that dancing is the answer to depression. Who knows what the future holds or what's in store for me. But I do know that I'm going to enjoy the ride as much as I can while I can.

because

Relationships are never easy. Not with friends, family, or significant others.

Every relationship has it's ups and downs right? And it's normal to worry about them yes?

I'm worried about on of my relationships, and it's been stressing me out.

Last night when I was hanging out with my boyfriend and we were snuggling, two embarrassing things happened to me. I don't know why it happened then, but for the first time in a long time I started to cry. Poor boyfriend didn't know what was happening or where it came from. Part of it had to do with my own damn clumsiness, I wish that I was less clumsy and more sexy. (too much to ask for huh? lol) And another had to do with the sadness I feel from the silence that seems to be making frequent stays with my relationship with one of my best friends.

He kept asking me what was wrong while wiping away my tears and kissing them, and the words were there in my mind. UGH I'm just clumsy and the opposite of sexy and when you leave she wont talk to me.

So Instead of playing that same record that he's heard a million times by now, I just said I was embarrassed for elbowing him in the face and how clumsy I am. And I closed my eyes as he held me and ran his fingers through my hair and I tired not to think of the silence I'd be getting later on.

I just don't know what to do any more. Okay thats a lie. I know what to do and I know what will make it better, but it's nothing that I can do, it's something she has to do and something she wont do. So in the mean I guess I'm going to hope that this friendship wont fall apart.

You were an inch from the edge of this bed

Hello world and all who read this. I’m at barns and noble right now, one of my favorite places, with a soy chai tea, one of my favorite drinks. Sleepy Head by Passion Pit is playing. I do love this song.

I think lately I’ve been confused. REALLY confused. Questioning myself at every corner, second-guessing myself constantly. Wondering if I like where I am at right now? I guess everyone goes through a phase of downtime, and it’s my turn. I just need to pay more attention to me and to my feelings before I go around trying to fix everyone else and make them happy; because I think at the end of the day people can ALWAYS find something to be sad about. So even if am able to make someone’s life better, it’s out of my hands if they chose to be happy about it at the end of the day.

Lately my favorite person in the world has been my best friend Parker. I don’t know what it is but he is just ALWAYS happy. His lows are either from exhaustion or hunger. I want to be more like that. I want to not let things get to me and I want to be happy with what is happening and happy with where I am going. If only right? I’m not saying I don’t love being around everyone else, it’s just hmm nice to have that ray of sunshine around me. (: He’s my Jacob

Maybe it’s just so much fun to be around him because he is SO easy to tease. I forgot how much fun it is to play and joke around for hours. Have I become too serious? I don’t want to be serious! I want to always be a kid at heart; I mean I know lots of adults have told me I’m very mature for my age, but it’s not that, I mean shit… fart jokes crack me up, I think it’s just I’m mature in the sense I have an insane amount of empathy for people.

And maybe it’s that empathy for the world and all it’s sorrow that gets me down. Everyone has a sad story it seems. Everyone has sorrow in their hearts, and I can’t fix it! How positively frustrating! LOL

There is nothing left to do but to go forward from here and hope that in the end the road I’m traveling on takes me to a greater place.